Search my soul when you take my blood
by idolsidle
Summary: Nitori's long recovered from his broken arm, but life goes on. Follows after "Ai's blaming the painkillers". Hey, I might turn this into an actual series. Woot.


_This took me forever to finish I know, but I've never personally had to deal with this kind of situation, though I did my best to make it as real as possible within my personal interpretation of Rin and Nitori's characters. I'm also not sure about the ending, because it was supposed to be vaguely humorous, except that I understand that that might honestly be a big deal for some people. Please don't hate me for it. This needed an ending, and that seemed good._

_I first got this idea when I went to donate blood again a few months back, and then it was festering in my computer for a while, and now it's become an actual part of something - I'm so proud._

* * *

Swim practice was over for the day.

Nitori stashed his deodorant and reached for his clothes, his brain swimming embarrassingly with the memory of Matsuoka-senpai in the shower not moments before. The senpai in question was next to him, pulling on his pants, and Nitori blushed a bit and looked to the side, fumbling with his shirt. Crushes were a difficult thing to deal with.

Fortunately, his musings were interrupted when Captain Mikoshiba asked them all to line up outside the locker rooms once they had finished. There was a groan from those who just wanted to get back to the dorms and rest, but they all went. Aiichirou walked out next to Rin and stood beside his senpai in the line, just the way he liked it.

"Okay, so this is just a reminder that now that we've got a fair few weeks before the next tournament and this is the closest to off season we can get with an indoor swimming pool, the blood drive I mentioned at the beginning of the year is going to take place. We'll all go this weekend and the next day we won't have practice so we can properly recover. You've all shown an interest in donating blood, but remember that some of you won't be able to, depending."

Next to him, Rin raised his hand.

"What is it, Matsuoka?" Seijuurou barked. He sounded irritated, as if Rin were constantly causing him trouble, but Nitori suspected this was just the way Captain Mikoshiba and Rin-senpai interacted. It was proven when Rin smirked, unbothered by the captain's tone.

"Do I have to go even if I already know there's no point?"

Nitori stared at Rin, confused. He knew his senpai better than to think he didn't want to donate blood (this was, after all, the Rin who fed stray cats and helped him with his homework and was adorably protective of Gou; blood donation seemed right up his alley), so what did Matsuoka-senpai mean? He hadn't been on the swim team at the beginning of the year when the blood drive was brought up, and if he didn't want to, nobody could make him, it was _his_ blood – but Aiichirou suspected that wasn't it.

"What do you mean, 'no point'?" the captain interjected. "Or is this you thinking you're too good for it?" He narrowed his yellow eyes.

Rin sighed. "No, idiot. I mean, I'm not allowed to donate blood."

Captain Mikoshiba and Nitori, and the rest of the team for that matter, stared.

"Why?" intoned Mikoshiba, completely nonplussed.

Nitori was caught between waiting for Rin's answer, because he was honestly curious, and frowning at his captain's complete lack of delicacy. Mikoshiba, though an excellent swimmer, captain, and student, was not necessarily gifted with subtlety.

Rin looked exasperated. The entire team was quiet, interested in how this was going to play out. Nitori suspected that some of them hoped Rin would get in trouble. Rin _was_ still quite gruff with a lot of them, even after the relay, but evidently they had never seen Rin pet a kitten or they would like him as much as Nitori did. Not that Nitori really wanted them to like Matsuoka-senpai as much as he did.

"Because they worry or think or have decided that my blood isn't safe."

Mikoshiba suddenly looked serious. "Rin, have you been taking drugs? Because if you have I'll have to kick you off the team."

Rin didn't even bat an eyelash. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he said, voice and expression completely deadpan.

"Yes, goddammit, Matsuoka, if you've been taking drugs I have to – "

Rin cut him off, annoyed. "No, _captain_, I meant 'Are you fucking kidding me, you actually think I take drugs?' I _know_ you would have to kick me off the team. But I'm not taking any drugs."

Captain Mikoshiba blinked. And blinked again. "Then why can't you donate blood?"

Rin actually looked to the ceiling, as if to ask for help from some higher power in dealing with his currently idiotic captain. When he spoke, his voice was sighing and filled with a kind of disdain only Rin could manage.

"You know, I was trying to be delicate for once in my life, but since that's not working…" He leveled his red gaze at Seijuurou.

"Captain, I'm bisexual and have had sex with a man. According to Japanese Red Cross blood donations procedure, any man who has engaged in homosexual relations may not donate blood."

The words were delivered with his voice and face completely flat, as if he was the narrator for a really, really boring documentary.

Silence reigned. Nitori gaped at Rin. He'd always known his senpai was extremely hard-pressed to care what most people thought about him, but Nitori considered those last words to have been nothing short of balls-busting _brave_.

Nitori didn't even have to look at the captain to know he was probably red in the face and gaping like a fish. He wondered whether this was the first time Mikoshiba had ever been at a loss for words.

Finally he managed to sputter out something along the lines of acceptance of Rin's reasons and he dismissed them all. Aiichirou only snapped out of his own trance when Rin-senpai smirked and walked off, obviously at least a little bit pleased with his own shock factor, and he tottered off after him.

By the time they reached their dorm room, Nitori's brain and heart were practically vibrating. Somewhere between the swimming pool exit and the vending machines next to the cafeteria, Nitori had realized that as low as he still imagined them to be, his chances with Matsuoka-senpai had nonetheless just doubled. After all, crushing on a heterosexual Matsuoka Rin was pointless, whereas crushing on an openly bisexual Matsuoka Rin had a lot more potential.

Having realized this, flopping down in his desk chair became very necessary, lest his legs give out.

He heard Rin settle on his bunk behind him and quickly reached for a notebook and pen so he could look busy and not as wired as he felt. Matsuoka-senpai would surely start asking questions if Nitori started giggling happily the way he wanted to.

There was silence except for the sound of Aiichirou scratching out nonsense in his notebook when all he really wanted to write was _Matsuoka Aiichirou_ in little hearts everywhere. He was so busy resisting this impulse that he didn't notice the rising tension from Rin in the bunk behind him, nor did he feel the stare Rin directed at his back.

Aiichirou had been reduced to drawing hearts _without_ his married name in them before Rin spoke up.

"Hey, Ai." It came out sharp, and Nitori turned to look at Rin quickly, ever so slightly alarmed, wondering what the matter was.

Matsuoka-senpai wasn't looking at him when Aiichirou wheeled his chair around. He looked a bit upset honestly, and he was fiddling with the tie he used to put his hair up, which he never did unless he was anxious.

"Senpai?"

Rin gave the hair tie a somewhat violent twist.

"What I said… outside the locker rooms. Just now." He breathed in, looking at the floor. "Is that – Is that okay? – with you?"

Nitori's baby-blues widened. Did Rin need _his_ _approval_?

The redhead obviously didn't need any other of the swim team's feedback, and that suggested that Ai was lumped in among the people whose opinion Rin did care about, like the Iwatobi boys.

That was… kind of a nice thought, Ai noted happily.

But of course, no matter what else he was to Rin, they were roommates, and they did have to live together… So, naturally Rin would want to know what Ai thought…

… If he put himself in Rin's shoes; even if Rin-senpai had been just a roommate to Nitori, he supposed that if he had just outed himself in front of the swim team and his roommate, he too would probably be curious about their reaction…

… but that didn't mean that Rin only cared about his opinion as a roommate. Ai liked to think that Rin cared about his opinion like he cared about those of the Iwatobi boys, so he was going to keep thinking that way – it wasn't so far-fetched…

Rin cleared his throat. The sound was uncomfortable, and one look at Rin confirmed it.

Nitori realized that he was taking far too long thinking about it all. His thoughts had scattered to the four corners of his stupid musings, not to mention slowed to the speed of molasses. Rin was waiting for his answer - it wasn't the time nor place to be wondering what he was to Rin and he needed to say something _now_. But suddenly he couldn't. It was like sometime between Rin getting his attention and Ai understanding his senpai's question, somebody had wired his jaw shut.

Rin shifted on the bed, mouth opening. Ran his tongue over his teeth. Closed his mouth. Glared at the floor, _hard_.

"Forget it, I – " He took in a deep breath. "I didn't think you'd mind, but maybe you can – " Another deep breath. " – you can just think about it for a while, yeah?"

Rin didn't meet his eyes, but Rin was asking him reasonably to just think about accepting his sexuality and he looked so uncomfortable and frustrated and unhappy doing it and this was all wrong and why couldn't Nitori get his stupid voice to work.

He could feel tears welling up in his eyes out of frustration and Rin was fumbling around for his running shoes and Rin didn't fumble, certainly not for sports equipment and Aiichirou didn't like to swear but his voice still wasn't working and the tears were blurring his vision and he didn't think he'd been _this_ shocked when Rin first asked his approval, why wouldn't his tongue _move_ and Rin was reaching for the door and Ai had to fix this now and fuck _fuck_ _**fuck**_.

Rin's hand was on the doorknob when the paralysis over Ai finally broke.

"I'M GAY."

…

A ringing silence settled over the room, and Nitori suspected that their dorm neighbors had probably heard that, but Rin wasn't opening the door and that was a victory in Ai's book.

Rin's fingers clenched and unclenched around the doorknob and Ai noticed that his feet were bare and his shoes were just slung over his shoulder. He must have been really desperate to get out of the room.

Nitori's chest clenched. He understood that feeling now. He'd just told Matsuoka-senpai the only thing he could think of that would get him to stay, but now the questions he'd asked himself when he'd lain in Rin's bed with a broken arm resurfaced.

Because one's sexuality doesn't necessarily matter when it comes to reacting to the announcement of somebody else's. It could play out that Rin needed Nitori's approval about being bisexual, but did not approve of Nitori being gay. It would be hypocritical, but it could happen.

Nitori cursed the paralysis from before. If he'd just said he didn't mind, didn't care who Rin was attracted to, then he could have stayed in the closet a little bit longer, he could have avoided this situation.

Nitori was starting to feel a little light-headed and sort of suspected he hadn't been breathing properly, if at all, for the last few moments, but Rin was turning to face him so hopefully something would happen soon.

Rin stepped towards him, coming to a stop about two feet in front of him, towering over him as he sat in his chair.

Nitori unconsciously drew his legs up onto the chair, hugging his knees to his chest.

Something in the gesture must have resonated with the redhead in front of him, who suddenly let out a long breath as he sort of collapsed to sit on the floor in front of Ai.

The movement seemed to break the tension in the room, and suddenly it didn't feel so silent, the air didn't feel so heavy, it didn't feel like he was suffocating.

"So…" Rin ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm hoping that means that you don't mind that I'm bisexual."

Nitori received a jolt when Rin said his orientation out loud. It made him seem so sure of it, so sure of himself. Disregarding his yelling it not moments before, Ai was hard pressed to say his own orientation out loud. He referred to himself as gay in his mind, but voicing it; it would probably come out as a euphemism, or maybe he would trail off.

In the next moment he knew exactly how he would say it. Determined to not recreate the catastrophe of the previous minutes, Ai knew that he had to say what Rin wanted to hear, and what Ai wanted to tell him. He figured it was also as good a time as any to ask Rin just what Rin was asking him.

Ai managed a small smile, though he aimed it at his hands curled over his knees.

"No, senpai, I don't mind. I don't mind at all." He heard Rin let out another breath. "Does – do you – do you mind that I'm… that I'm – you know...?"

See? He knew he would trail off. He wasn't great with euphemisms.

A hand, bigger than his own, gripped his hand that rested over his left knee. He stared at it, hoping, hoping really very hard.

"Of course not, Ai. I don't mind either. Not one bit."

There wasn't much else Rin could say on the subject, and that was fine as Aiichirou found himself being drawn off his chair and wrapped in arms that smelled like chlorine and sweat and licorice and dryer sheets and soap.

* * *

Later, much later, Nitori disentangled himself from where he'd been clutching at Rin's shirt, and then proceeded to apologize a lot for getting the shoulder and chest of Rin's tank wet. He hadn't realized he'd been crying, but judging by how he felt now, it had been a good cry. A really good cry.

Rin grunted him off his apologetic spree and noted that they'd missed dinner. Ai was about to apologize more, but Rin seemed to sense this and glared at him until his mouth closed with a squeak.

Despite the force of Rin's "no more apologies" stare, Nitori was smiling as he suggested they order a pizza. They tended not to eat that kind of stuff during the week (Rin especially had a pretty strict diet plan), but he kind of figured they could both use it tonight. Rin obviously agreed when he took out his phone and dialed their usual place without saying anything more.

As Rin spelled out their order, Nitori suddenly realized that the redhead was settled with his back against the bottom bunk. Yeesh, he must have been pretty out of it to have just not noticed Matsuoka-senpai dragging them both across the floor from where they'd been originally entangled near the desk. He hadn't thought that admitting who he was and whom he loved would take so much out of him, or even that he'd been so afraid of doing it. But now he had and Rin was okay with it and he hoped to god it would only get easier from here on in.

* * *

When Rin hung up the phone, he turned to tell Nitori that their pizza would arrive soon, only to find that the silver-haired boy was staring somewhat catatonically at the railing on the top bunk.

"Ai? What's wrong?" No response. "Ai?!"

Ai shook himself. "Senpai."

"Geez, Ai, don't do that. You were freaking me out with the lobotomized act."

"Senpai."

"Yeah?"

"I told senpai before I told my parents!"

* * *

**Okay, so I still had some things I wanted to put out there. And I would really appreciate it if you would actually read them. This is serious business.**

_Now, if Rin seems very self-assured about his sexuality, that's because he is. He would have come to terms with it while in Australia I think, and as a pretty liberal country I think he would have had an okay time of it. Rin's inner turmoil rests around things that I think, while not removed from his sexuality, don't really play a role in it. Also, I find there seems to be a trend going around the rintori fandom where it was decided that out of the pairing, Rin is the emotionally weak one. I don't really think this is fair. Aiichirou definitely possesses an emotional and mental strength that Rin doesn't (he was able to put up with Rin, wasn't he?), but that doesn't mean that Rin is devoid of those strengths. His are just different. Besides I dunno if any of you have ever had a crisis of faith the like of Rin's, but considering what he was going through, he handled it - not well, but he did okay. We kind of just caught him at a bad time. So, yes Rin is very okay with his sexuality, and he has the strength to be himself in that sense no matter what people think, even more so now that his mid-teens crisis is over._

_Oh, and look here something I even forgot to put in the notes on tumblr because I'm writing so friggin' much. But anyway, I also wanted to talk about Mikoshiba. Mikoshiba tends to be characterized as a pretty perfect individual. He's extremely accepting, a good student, an excellent captain. I'm not going to deny this, and I think if you make him a voice of reason, that is honestly the most natural choice. Nonetheless, Mikoshiba is still a teenage boy - sometimes he's going to be a bit dumb, just like the rest of us. He may be a third year and may be a very well put together individual but I think if he's to have any faults they will be with not necessarily reading the atmosphere. In this situation, he backs Rin into a corner on the issue of why he can't donate blood. Considering a lot of the criteria for being able to donate blood involve potentially very personal medical issues, Mikoshiba probably should have backed off. But he didn't read the atmosphere and asked Rin anyway. Rin doesn't care because he's the mothafucking shark and no corner can hold him, but if it had been somebody else - no good. Basically, I just wanted to explain why what Nitori comments on Mikoshiba's lack of subtlety and why I characterized him that way, and why that particular trait is a character fault, in my opinion._

_Now, I also wanted to talk about the whole coming out deal that I explored here. Like I said at the beginning, I don't personally have experience doing so. I know my parents would have accepted me, but I'm straight, so it just never came up. I think Nitori telling his parents first is important to him, and I don't want to make light of the ceremony of that kind of thing by using it as a hopefully somewhat amusing ending, but I needed to end it there and this was the best way I could think to do so. However, unless your comments are hateful because I really did my best here and I totally don't need that right now, I would love to hear what you guys think about how I wrote it out. I don't usually ask for reviews or anything, but I want to make it authentic, so please help me out._

_Finally - guess who actually fucking looked up japanese red cross blood donations procedure - WHUDDUP RESEARCH?_


End file.
